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theacktress
03 June 2012 @ 02:26 pm
This is inspired by a friend of mine that I work with. He has had a lot of sadness in his life and I think his story will always stick with me.

                                                       This Man I Know

There is a man I know,

He is such an old soul.

His eyes can see straight into,

The unconscious patterns of your life.

I had to wonder why,

And what his story was,

But, I soon learned

That he is only nineteen.   

 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
theacktress
30 May 2012 @ 07:48 pm





                                                                            You

So many ways you break me down,

reduce me to a quiet place,

hold me in your open palms

Breathe—

You breathe my soul back into me,

a balm to all that had been broken.

We are both so broken.

So let’s take these pieces

and smash them to the ground,

burn everything around us

Down.

Down, down to the ground,

where we could build our towers new,

a place for just us two.

And, on these days when the shadows weigh heavy,

remember that your home is one

that beats violently within me.

So, let’s lay here for awhile,

take refuge in whatever this is we have

a mystery—

one that we aren’t ready to see.

Can we ignore the whispers from the dark,

and enjoy this warming glow, as the lights wane down low?

Tell me that you want me again, because this cannot be real.  

 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
 
 
theacktress
07 December 2011 @ 07:34 pm
Here's an interesting one that I just wrote...I think I'll publish this one in my chapbook lol. 

                                                                         Manifesting Your Desires
 
            Women, we really need to learn how to justify ourselves. How many years have we neglected our own desires, hurt ourselves to help others? It is time to stop that pattern of self-destruction and learn how to manifest your desires! Through this short article, you will learn how to liberate your true “self,” to allow your energy to flow and go to work for you! All it takes is twelve easy steps and you can have the yearnings of your heart.
 
Step one:         Let go of the unforgiveness that you are holding onto. It does nothing but poison your life, hold you back. I challenge you to make a list of every wrongdoing that you are holding close. Then, rip it to shreds and burn the pieces!

Step two:         Learn how to say “no.” This is most powerful word you can use when dealing with other people. Say it, practice it, become confident in using it.

Step three:       Meditate. Let those powerful vibrations come forth out of your heart and soul. Let them tell you what they want, what you really want.

Step four:        Visualize yourself in the place you want to be. Imagine yourself as successful, married, wealthy, whatever you desire. Never underestimate the power of visualization in attaining your goals.

Step five:        Open your mind, stop thinking of yourself in concepts of limitations. The only person limiting yourself is you.

Step six:          Learn to mean what you say, and say what you mean, no matter how ugly or “wrong” people say it is. Practice on the people who have hurt you in the past.

Step seven:      Learn how to say “yes.” Say yes to yourself, to your desires, to your whims. Limit yourself no more!

Step eight:       Take responsibility for yourself, for your life. Go after those things. Pursue them, chase them down.

Step nine:        Have sex. Women, we have long ignored our bodies, our desires. It is time to stop that and allow ourselves to be satisfied!

Step ten:          Have more sex.

Step eleven:    Do not worry what other people think of you. Your desires, your whims, your choices, they are all a part of you, therefore they must be right.

Step twelve:    Buy my book, “Manifesting Your Desires” for more great ways to learn how to experience your full potential and gain the things you truly want out of life.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
† Editor’s note: We sincerely apologize for the uproar this article has caused, as of late. We have received countless emails and letters from concerned individuals regarding the nature of this work, especially in light of recent events. Since the author of this article has been implicated and found guilty of one count of voluntary manslaughter, fifteen acts of involuntary manslaughter, and four counts sexual harassment, this article has been cited as responsible for causing both her own acts of violence as well as prompting those from others. Please rest assured that our lawyers are working furiously to negotiate the removal of this article.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
 
 
theacktress
05 December 2011 @ 07:52 pm
Hey, here's another story I wrote for my fiction writing class. It is based off a song by one of my favorite bands, Breaking Benjamin. The song is titled "Lights Out." Enjoy!



                                                                  Suffocate 
 
   “Where do you think you’re going, Geoffrey? You know you cannot leave me.”

  Geoffrey laughed, the bark-like noise slapping the bricks of the buildings lining the alleyway. He continued down towards the lighted street, away from me. “I am done with you. I am through, THROUGH!” he shouted at me over his shoulder. He faced back towards the street, shoving his hands deep within the pockets of his black coat, made blacker by the shadows of the buildings, peering over us. His hasty breath glowed grey, like billowing wisps of incense, just biding their time until they could turn and choke him…

            “Are you sure you are making a wise decision now, Geoffrey?”

            He continued down the trash-lined alley, papers rising up as minstrels rise up in the presence of their master, his coattails even condescending to brush a few of these messengers. They retreated, as if satisfied with such piety, back to their gutters, next to their trash cans, by the dead homeless man.

            “I asked you a question!” The next instant, I was behind him, grabbing the shoulders of his rancid black coat, dragging him back into the darkness of the alleyway. I heard a couple of seams snap of the cheap, rough felt, so effortlessly. “Are you really sure it is such a good idea to be walking away from me, Geoffrey?” I whispered his name into his ear, the stench of salty sweat and nights spent in other alleyways clinging to my face. I could see the oil on his hair gleam in the quickly retreating, flickering streetlight.

            He was silent, even as I drug him backwards. Only the sound of his breath mingling with the sound of shuffling shoes on the concrete echoed is this sarcophagus of buildings. I whipped him around to face me, grabbing the lapels of the faded jacket, putting my face right up next to his. “You aren’t going to leave me, Geoffrey. You know what it would mean. Look at me!” I shook him once, his head snapping back, and then forward, and pulled him even closer to me. I had his arms pinned at his side, pushing them in towards his navel. I could feel the bones, even under the jacket, brittle, so easy to snap…

            Geoffrey opened his eyes, first the right, then the left. He looked at my nose. He never looks me in the eye.
“You aren’t going to leave me, are you?” I asked him. “You remember what life was like before me. Why would you ever want to go back to that?”

            He closed his eyes again, his eyebrows pulling heavily over the lids, his cheeks as taught as copper wire. He has finally reached that peak, yes, that peak where they can either stay teetering, or can just throw a thought heavenwards before leaning over the edge.

            As I let go of him, taking two steps backwards, I could see that Geoffrey was preparing to throw himself off the cliff headlong, like a top-heavy tree that folds onto the ground during its first violent windstorm. He held his abdomen as he went down on one knee, then the other, until he was looking up at me from the fetid ground, as if he were praying. The distant streetlight shone at his back, enveloping his face in charcoal and grey.

            He made a few inaudible sounds, a couple groans, something that sounded like “Please.”

            “Don’t mumble, Geoffrey. You know I cannot hear you from up here.”

            He was silent, still holding his stomach, rocking back and forth a bit. I smirked at this fine picture of defeat, only until I noticed something…off. Even though the shadows cast their glow around him, his eyes—his blue, pupil-less, red-rimmed eyes—were staring directly into mine. For the first time ever, in his worthless existence, he actually looked at me.

            My hands started to tingle and quiver, ever so gently, almost like a silent earthquake. White-hot nerve endings pulsed behind my eyes, sending sharp pings ricocheting throughout my skull. I had to regain control…

            “You will bow to me!” In an instant, I lunged forward and snatched him from the ground, out of the shadow of the streetlight, pinning him by his neck against a building wall. His Adam’s apple was bulging against the cool flesh of my palm. I could feel his chest pump and heave against my forearm as he struggled to breathe. “You will never defy me,” I growled, closing my hand tighter and tighter.

            “Let me go,” he choked out, his hands pounding the graffiti-spattered brick of the building.

            “Not unless you bow to me,” I said, tightening my grip. I could feel the muscles of his trachea begin to collapse…

            “Yes,” he mouthed. I almost did not catch the motion, I was so concentrated on his eyes, wanting to see the exact moment that their quiet resistance crumpled. “I will bow,” he said, more clearly as I relaxed my grip.

            “Very good, Geoffrey,” I said, letting go of his throat, turning away from the trash lined building. He dropped once again to his knees, hacking, barking really, the seams of his coat dragging in murky puddles. I strode away from him, knowing that he wouldn’t dare run from me. He tried that once, and I almost choked him to death that time, also.

            Though I had my back turned to it, I could almost feel the streetlight go out, in that strange, inexpressible way that you can almost feel and hear the extinguishing of light. We were both ensconced in darkness now, caught in the aisle between these two frowning, supercilious buildings. I had to wonder why they frowned so, you would have think they would have already learned by now, that I am his god, alive and under his skin.  
 
           
           
           
 
 
 
 
 
 
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
theacktress
05 December 2011 @ 06:53 pm

Heya,

Here is a story that I wrote for my fiction writing class. Just a warning: PROFANITY ALERT! Figured I should let you all know :)



                                                                         Writing Love Letters
 
My Dearest Zack,
           
  I have never been able to tell you the truth. 

  There are so many things I wish I could say to you that I am powerless to express. Words just seem so pathetic, so inadequate when I try to tell you what I have wanted to say, all along. 

   For ten years, almost half my life—practically the entire time I have known you, I 

  I don’t know how I knew, but I have always known that I love you. You made me laugh when no one else could, you took my walls down and exposed the burns and bruises. You were the only person I let see those dying parts of me, touch them, and breathe life back into them. You always did that, no matter how insignificant my problems were. You’d let me cry and yell, and then make me laugh about it. You made my world lighter when you were near, a place where rainbow colors could shine on me, even through the rain.  


  I love you and I miss you. I truly miss you in my life, and I wish you could know how much. I miss laughing at all your dumb jokes and all the crazy shit you used to do. I miss the numberless ways you used to try to make me laugh, just to see me happy. But most of all, I just miss you. Spending time with you, hearing your obnoxious snoring in the middle of the night, feeling that jagged bolt of lightning whenever we would touch on accident…or on purpose.

  But, then you turned into a jackass. 

  And I fucking hate you. 

  This is where it gets difficult. I don’t think I will ever understand why you did what you did, why things started to sink through the cracks.

  But, it doesn’t really matter much now, because I hate you and you hate me.

  Except I still cannot get you out of my head. It’s been what, two years? 

  But, I have to be honest, both with myself and you, or else I will never heal. I am not sure I can anyways, but I don’t want to be angry anymore. It’s hurting me more than it will ever hurt you. I just want to wake up one day and forget all the time I wasted and pretend that I don’t feel so utterly ridiculous over how vulnerable I let myself be to you, and how stupidly pathetic I was to think you could ever love me back!

  So, answer me this. It’s the least you can do after putting me through hell, just to watch me burn.  

  Why did you believe all the lies your father told you about me, when you knew me better than anyone?

  Why did you just stop giving a damn about me one day?

  More importantly, why did you stop giving a damn about everyone else, except yourself?

  Until you can answer me that, I don’t ever want to speak to you again.

 
  I really only think of you when I am lonely. I still miss you, but not the you that you are. The you that you used to be. I saw a glimpse of it a couple months ago, when you were at my graduation party (only because you were forced to come, you jackass). But, I don’t feel anything for you other than a tinge of sadness. I realize that if you don’t love me, fine. I’ll most definitely survive. I’ve survived a million times worse than you, a dumb jock whose main form of communication is grunts and boob-talk. How threatening.
 
  You know what? I don’t know why I even bothered writing this letter to you. First of all, how terribly sentimental. Secondly, I bet you stopped reading when I said that I had loved you. Now, it’s probably just a ball of paper in your fists, or ripped to shreds in the trashcan after your new whore(s) asked you who the strange woman was who sent you a letter. On the off-chance you’ve made it this far, ignore everything but this:
 
Zack,

I don’t love you anymore.

~A.Y.W.

 
 
Current Mood: flirtyflirty
 
 
 
theacktress
14 June 2011 @ 10:41 pm

 


Hello, how’s it going, how

 have things been with you?

It’s been a little while now,

much longer than we vowed.

 

I see that you've been moving on,

Long departed from where we were

We are both so long gone.

Were we wrong?

 

I can say that I have been missing you

Just been afraid, I guess

To open this door back to you,

What should we do?

 

Well, here is the road, shall we walk a ways together?

I want to, do you?

Inside, I cannot fight the lure,

To give into this longing, that is for sure.

 

We walk a ways , a merry ways, just like it used to be

I think we both miss those days, oh how I am afraid.

I want to give myself over, give over the part of me

That only you have seen.

 

We come across that lonesome place,

The place we parted in the autumn.  

I remember how we said that love is not a race,

It is a test of mastering what you have to face.

 

Spring has come, the pressure’s on

Where do we go from here?

Do we walk along these two

winding roads alone?

 

I don’t know.


 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
theacktress
06 May 2011 @ 11:44 pm





I just called to say hello-

How’s it going?

I haven’t called in a while.

I’m sorry.

I should have called before now,

Things have been crazy,

You know.

Oh, you can’t talk for long,

I see.

Well, I just wanted to say hello-

And that I love you.

Goodbye.


 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
theacktress
26 March 2011 @ 01:07 am

 

Lights Out

 

Verse 1&2

I am standing at your backdoor

Watch as the shadows-

Your shadows, gently flit by.

It hurts to know that you’re right there,

Just right there,

I could touch you if I tried.

 

But, there are all these walls,

Walls that are built to strong

They keep you inside,

And me?

I am still outside.

 

Chorus:

How come at night, all the flames flicker and die?

What was once a guiding light, is now what we leave behind.

So long to all I knew, it is time to start anew,

So goodnight, baby, its lights out tonight.

 

Verse 3

I can hear your laugh, out here in this lonely night-

So light, it carries memories of yesterday,

A day when everything was right.

I am sorry that it has to be this way,

I hate that it can’t be the same.

 

Chorus 1x

 

Bridge:

The door is peeping open, I can see you now.

All I can see is a glimmer, a glimmer of the girl I once knew.

Baby, I am sorry I had to do this to you-

 

Oh no, don’t go!

She shut me out, locked me out,

And now I am alone

(where do I go?).

 

Chorus 1x:

 

We’re alone, quiet and alone.

Goodnight, baby, it’s lights out for now.

 

 

 


 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
theacktress
18 February 2011 @ 03:40 pm

 

 

                It was a beautiful summer day. I was sitting on my back porch, just watching the clouds roll over my house, like I normally do on summer days such as these. My only company was a beautiful little flower, a pansy actually, in a small little pot that was sitting next to me. It was truly beautiful. Its face was a deep, royal purple and was accented by almost-black markings. There were four or five flowers, and even more buds. It made me smile every time I saw it.

                I let my mind wander back to the day I got it. My honey had given it to me for our second month anniversary. It was the most pathetic looking thing I had ever seen. It had only a single flower drooping on a small, limp stalk and all the other flowers had shriveled up into little grayish balls sitting atop other limp stalks. Even the leaves were brown and drooping.

                I remember that I had found it so cute that he gave me this sad looking thing to celebrate our two months together. I had tried not to laugh when he handed it to me, looking all excited to see my reaction to his present.

                That was almost a year ago now. It is pretty frightening to think that almost an entire year has gone by since that day. I remember after he had left my home that evening, I watered the poor, pathetic plant and stuck it outside on my back porch. “Okay, go get some sun now!” And I shut the door on it. He told me not to be surprised if it died, because all the other pansies he had bought had croaked over. Well, if all his plants died, I knew this one surely would. It was doomed the moment it entered into my home, as I have killed the supposedly un-killable plants many times before.

                Next thing I knew, the flower had dropped its only flower and withered up completely. The sun had been beating down on it that it had almost fried it. I moved it a few feet over, where it was shadier. “Looks like you got a little too much sun. Poor thing.” And again, I went back into my home and shut the door on it.

                When my honey saw the flower the next time he was over at my house, brown and wizened, he broke out in laughter. “Wow, hon, I knew that you did not have a green thumb, but wow! You massacred it.”

                I had to laugh. When he gave me the flower, we had joked about it being our version of the “love fern”- a symbol of our caring for each other. Well, if our “love pansy” was any resemblance of the state of our relationship, we had might as well quit now.

                Eventually, the rainy season came and the poor pansy almost drowned outside. I hoped the rain would do it some good. When I would be gazing outside during those rainy days, the poor pansy would often catch my eye. It was just a stalk now and I figured it was long dead. “Oh well.”  There would be times when major windstorms would rip through our neighborhood and would topple the flower. Whenever I noticed it laying over, I would right it, even though I knew it was probably dead. Still, I did not like to see it that way. I liked the flower, even though I did not love it like I should have.

                Things had started to get hard during this time, and the winter brought even more hard times. Even when the snow had come, I would often gaze outside, admiring the beauty and stillness the snow would bring to our neighborhood. It was a form of escape for me. Snow was beautiful…but it was difficult. Everything was difficult it seemed. It was during these times when I tried so hard that I would lose myself in the snow-covered scenery that the frozen pansy would catch my eye. It was partially buried under snow, its brown stalk now accented with white crystals. I felt like the pansy, weighed down under something supposed to be beautiful. There was no hope for the poor thing now. It was dead.

                I had come to the theory that the flower actually did symbolize our relationship. I would know that it was over when the plant died.

                Once again, the spring began again, the sun was shining and I had just come back from a long jog. I sat on the back porch, not ready to leave the beautiful day outside. I watched the sunset and remembered about the pansy sitting on the back patio. I wandered over to it, and was amazed. The old withered pansy was still there, but a new baby pansy was growing right next to it. I wanted to cry.

                I do not know how the pansy survived after all I put it through. I let the sun bake it, the rain drown it, the winter freeze it and storms topple it. I had pretty much left it for dead, and yet it held on and sprung new life. Now, it is the most beautiful flower I have ever seen in my life. It is rich, full, vibrant and strong. I tend to it now, I love it and nurture it and it provides me its beauty and fulfillment.


 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
theacktress
05 February 2011 @ 12:01 am

'Sup? This is a song I wrote a little while ago. I only just finished polishing it up. Enjoy!




                     House of Cards

 

You are gone, you left me alone

But loneliness is both welcomed and scorned.

I’m so afraid to feel this way,

Watching these painful memories

Wash all the past happiness away.

 

Why did you leave? It shoulda been me

Turning and walking away from this beautiful, fragile thing.

I don’t wanna feel, because feeling makes it real.

I’m no longer the queen of your heart, the sorrow, it tears me apart.

 

Chorus:

Cos all that we are building is a just a house of cards

We think we built it strong, but

All that it is meant to do is crumble, crumble and fall.

I’m falling even faster now, don’t you understand?

Please catch me, love me, hold me and make it all right.

But you are blind in your own misery-why did you have to go and ruin

our house of cards?

 

Diamonds, spades, clubs, and hearts,

They shatter on the ground.

The once-beauty of them all, lay ruined all around.

Something that takes this long to grow

Is much too quick to fold

Burn and turn, because victory is hers.

 

Why, oh why, is this such a hard price to pay?

Nothing I can ever do will tear you, tear you away.

 

Chorus:

Cos all that we are building is a just a house of cards

We think we built it strong, but

All it is meant to do is crumble, crumble and fall.

I’m falling even faster now, don’t you understand?

Please catch me, love me, hold me and make it all right.

But you are blind in your own misery-why did you have to go and ruin

our house of cards?

 

Bridge:

Watching what I love tumble all around,

Dreams falling, cracking on the ground-

There is no way to win when my world is shaking, securities breaking, hope is fading.

I want just you and me.

How can I ever hope to be good enough to make you want me, just me?

(I can’t).

 

Chorus:

Cos all that we are building is a just a house of cards

We think we built it strong, but

All it is meant to do is crumble, crumble and fall.

I’m falling even faster now, don’t you understand?

Please catch me, love me, hold me and make it all right.

But you are blind in your own misery-why did you have to go and ruin

our house of cards?

 

Why wasn’t I good enough to fight for our house of cards?

Why wasn’t I good enough?

(I thought I was strong enough…)

Oh, no here it comes.

(Oh, no…)

This was our house of cards.

 


 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic